Sometimes in our lives, we have to make choices. Choices that are very difficult. In fact, to us it feels like we are cutting off our right arm. That is how I felt about a certain relationship. I had become so entangled in that relationship that I had lost myself. I no longer knew who I was. I had become this other person. Oh, do not get me wrong. I remembered the things that I personally enjoyed, but I had no time to do them. I loved to read books, and do research online about the Bible. I loved studying history—especially about European countries. Unfortunately, I did not have the time. I I loved to paint, but where could I find the time.? I was consumed with this thing—this relationship. This “thing” that moved from friendship to counseling to moaning to heavy load…to dread…to wanting to hide in my room and not come out! I did not want to talk to anyone. Tears were my words instead of laughter and enjoyment. My face showed my inner sorrow and agony. Everybody but me saw what I was going through. People waited wondering how much longer I would take it before I splattered the walls of the halls with agony and pain. One day it began to happen, and try as I might I could not be the brave soldier I had put on for years to be. I lost control of it all as it all came flowing out of me like Niagara Falls. People were not surprised, but I was when I found out that I had their support.
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was finished. I was at the end of my rope. Do you get what I mean? Have you been there? Do you know what I mean? Do you really know what I mean? If you do not, I understand. Let me explain it to you. It is a deep dark place where you wake up one day wondering how you got there. You want to know how you get out of this deep dark STINKING HOLE OF A PLACE!!! Is there any hope at all? Does anybody hear me at all in this DEEP DARK LONELY PLACE!!! Can you hear me calling? Does anybody care at all… Whew!
I needed help, and I needed help fast. Where could I go? Who could I turn to and unload this heavy burden to? Who could I bear my very soul to? I was not the kind of person to trust anybody with myself–that is my inner self to. You see I do not want to get hurt. I am already hurt. I do not want to bear hurt on top of hurt. I am already bleeding all over the place. I am hemorraging profusely. I do not need kind words of sympathy or empathy! I need a surgeon, and just any surgeon. I need a specialist in the field of emotional healing. By the way, do you know of one who specializes in this field? It is a very specialized field, and there aren’t many doctors who have studied in this field. In fact, I don’t even know if I can pay their fee.
Then one day I met this woman who was temping while a woman was having her baby. She said something that made me think abou my “friendship” with this individual. I did something that I had never done before. I wrote it down in my diary on my computer. I read it and pondered it almost everyday, and prayed about it too. Funny thing is now that I’m free from that toxic relationship, I have forgotten the security code for the diary. So I had to delete the diary! Isn’t that something? There was only one problem with her advice. I didn’t follow through…
I started going to a new church in Bolivia, NC. They took me in. They loved me and cared for me in a way that was amazing! I thought I was dreaming. I had never felt such love from a church like this before. I had no idea that this connection would bring the deliverance and emotional healing I needed in my life.
I became friends with one of the women from my new church. I realized how true she was, and how much she really loved me. She would stop by and bring a snack or some food. Sometimes she would call and ask if I had eaten dinner. She let me know that she was on her way with my dinner or lunch. Sometimes she would call and we would talk for almost an hour. We became very good friends. We stick closer than brothers. When I think of her, she is thinking of me. She is more than precious to me!
I shared many things with my newfound sister in Christ. I began to tell her about this “friendship.” She called one time, and I was crying. She asked what wrong, and I bore my soul to her. She started telling what I should do. I knew she was right, but in my heart and mind I did not have the strength to tear away from this toxic relationship.
Then I wept many days in the solitude of my room. Alone with Jesus. Understanding that this was a thing between Jesus and me. You see I still loved this person. Yes. I had poured my very soul into this person. I lived for that person. Toxic relationship. I had to face reality. I had to really face myself. I had to face the fact that I needed to break away in every sense of the word. What would I do with all the time that would now be free? All that I had known was this person. Whom would I eat with? Who would I have coffee with? Who would I talk to? Who would I laugh with? Who would I do anything with? Who? Who? I was like a lost puppy… I realized for three years my entire life had been centered on this person…
I found liberty by realizing who I was in Jesus Christ, and great friend in Christ Jesus. After I asked for a meeting with the person, slowly I began to find myself. Of course, I was too nervous to meet them alone. I knew I could not meet them alone. They would have out talked me because they were so self-centered. I would not have been able to say one word. They would have commandeered the entire meeting. Therefore, there was a mediator in the meeting. My sister-friend in Christ agreed with me that I should make a list of what I wanted to say in the meeting.
Well the day of the meeting came. For me it did not completely go as planned. This person let me speak up to a point. They thought we should have been able to come together alone and speak. They thought because we were Christians, that we could have handled it in that manner. No way possible because I knew this person would take over the conversation and not hear a word I was saying. That was how they were in the meeting! I ended up being so upset and frustrated because this person started saying “wait a minute.” The individual started interrupting me. I folded my notes, and left the meeting room in tears. It was the only way to save myself from getting sick.
The outcome of the meeting was good for me. It was decided that we would still be friends. We would not be BFFs (Best Friends Forever). Besides that kind of relationship would no longer be possible because that person had become engaged. I needed and wanted to be separated from them. Another thing that I got tired of was how the individual spoke to me, and how rude they were to me. Now I did not have to deal with them. Whew! I could go on, but I think I will stop here.
How am I now? I am enjoying the freedom I have in being myself. I enjoy talking and being with different people each day. If I want to be alone and do things I want to do, I have the freedom to do it. I can watch what I want to watch. Thank you Jesus! That Christian girlfriend of mine is the best friend I have ever had in years! She does not smother me. She lets me be. We encourage and pray for one another. We call one another. She is seriously concerned about me. Can you believe it? She prays that I feel better. She prays that I sleep at night. She prays when I have to go to a doctor’s appointment. She just calls to say hi! Wow! She shares with me, and I share with her. A two-way relationship. Do you see what I see? Isn’t it wonderful? God sure did come up with a great idea when He wanted us to walk along side one another. To be real and true. To carry one another’s burdens. To weep with one another. To laugh with one another. Wow! You know what? It really does work.
Check out this verse:
|Romans 12:15 (KJV)
15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.